It’s been a while, huh? Well I diiiiiid say in my last post (in MARCH) that I was in a bit of a dry season, haha! Anyway, it feels kind of weird to be writing after not doing it for so long. I’ve said from the beginning that I’ll never force out blog posts–everything will always be from the heart. So I just let myself be in that season for a while…until today when I got that little tug on my heart to write again. I’m not sure what is on my heart, but I know someone needs to hear it, so I’m going to be as honest as possible.
2019 was not my year. And it’s not like anything in my life was going crazy wrong or anything. Actually, everything in my life looked like it was going right. I had people in my life who loved me. I had all the titles, all the positions. I was mega involved in everything I loved…except I didn’t love it anymore. Something you should know about me is that I love to love life! I love to immerse myself in everything I love. So when everything I was doing started to become more of a “have-to” rather than a “get-to,” I really started to struggle. From here, I felt like everything started to get strained. My faith struggled, and I hardly went to church. My relationships felt strained because I wasn’t my best self. I hardly went out with friends because I didn’t feel “fun.” I found myself depending on others way too much. I even pushed myself so hard that my physical health failed me. I injured my knee and had to have surgery. I could no longer workout which was one of my favorite things to do. I felt like I was just always hitting a wall, and once I broke one wall down, I’d hit another. I was doing so much, but my soul was so deprived. I didn’t feel genuinely happy. I felt anxious and filled with worry all the time. I went in to 2020 kind of confused about why 2019 went the way it did. I felt like literally every other person and their mom and their dog was saying that 2019 was their favorite year. Everyone else had victories, and all I got were losses.
God is faithful though, and with the new year came so much clarity. Thank goodness that he still loves me enough to be so good to me even when I have pushed him to the side for so long. I started to see the purpose between the walls. I started to see God’s hand through the year that was arguably the toughest that I’ve ever had.
- God knows me, and he knows that I have a habit of tying my identity to things I’m involved in. He let me go through a season of not enjoying what I was doing to show me that my identity does not lie in what I do, but it lies in Him.
- He knew my faith was struggling and that I needed a reminder of how much He loved me. He let me feel lonely so that I would come to know that He was always there for me. He doesn’t care if I’m at my best or my worst or if I’m “fun.” He reminded me that I don’t have to depend on others because I can trust that He will always be there, even if everyone else isn’t.
- Most of all, God knew the cries of my heart… the things I never said because I wanted to look like I had it all together. But this entire year, I just wanted (and needed) to slow down. To quit moving for like a second. He sure had a funny way of doing it though! Although my knee injury sucked, it definitely made me slow down. It gave me time to breathe, to notice the blessings, to invest in people. As I get back into the movement of life again, I have to learned to go slower. To enjoy every step, and to keep what’s important at the top of my priorities.
So as I look back on 2019, I no longer see losses, but victories. I thought I had pushed God so far away, but now as I look back, he was closer than I could have ever imagined, and he knew me deeper than I have ever known. My word for 2020 is BREAKTHROUGH. The year of breaking down walls and breaking through barriers. And as I go into this year, I will remember to look for God in the midst of everything. 2019 was the year of set up, and 2020 is the year of breakthrough.
So if you feel like 2019 wasn’t your year either and you’re going into 2020 feeling discouraged, don’t lose hope! I promise you that God has never left you and he was in all of the nooks and crannies of 2019, piecing everything together for good! 2020 is your year, and you will see victory! You got this.
I hope this encourages someone out there! If this helped you, please let me know! I just know that I can’t be the only one that felt this way. Thanks for reading, and have a bomb 2020!
“You take what the enemy meant for evil and you turn it for good” – See A Victory // Elevation Worship
With love, Sarah